Avoiding the Over-Parenting Trap

Thank you to all families and staff who joined us this week for the Parenting Master Class with Georgia Scheible. In the workshop, Georgia talked about common pitfalls we often fall into out of love for our children. Georgia deals with an increasing number of children experiencing crippling anxiety, and the underlying reason is often that they were not allowed or given the opportunity to go through hard and uncomfortable situations when they were younger. It's become a feedback loop where the more anxious our children feel, the more we strive to protect them from uncomfortable situations. But, this actually perpetuates and increases their anxiety in the future.

TOP 5 EXPERT TIPS

1) Avoid the Urge to Control School Life
Georgia says parents cannot and should not try to control school life (e.g., which teacher they will have, specific peers in next year's class, etc.) Doing so robs children of the opportunity to learn how to power through change as they get older. This short-term gain causes long-term pain, coming out as anxiety as they move into middle school, and they don't know how to navigate the discomfort of making new friends or working with a teacher who may not be as soft or gentle. 

• Pro Tip: Help your child get excited about when they will see that preferred peer, perhaps at recess, playdates, or soccer practice.

2) Lend Them Your Calm & Don't Be Their Ray Donovan
Children will come home from school with lots of big emotions. A peer conflict, a situation on the playground, or a project they fell behind on. They may hold it together all day at school and get in the car, breaking down into tears. Even if we are upset when we hear what happened, we have to remember to lend them our calm, especially since children mirror our emotions.

• Pro Tip: Maybe we feel shocked, upset, frustrated, or sad that our child experienced adversity. But, in those moments, we need to stay calm, help name the emotion they may be feeling, and resist the urge to go be their Ray Donovan (A.K.A. fixer). 

  • Note: You may still want to let the teachers know what's going on so they can step in to help in the most appropriate way. 

3) Don't Negotiate Rules & Boundaries "No is not a 4-letter word; it's ok to use it!"
If you negotiate rules and boundaries at home, it makes it very difficult for children when they are in a group environment like school, where rules, routines, and schedules are non-negotiable.

"Parents have shied away from saying no because of the self-esteem movement, where anything that could potentially impact a child's self-esteem is frowned upon. As a result, the pendulum has swung too far. We have gone from not being emotionally attuned to our children to thinking that protecting them from any discomfort is a way of showing love. Good parenting is setting your children up for success, which includes hearing no at times. Being able to delay gratification is a critical habit in successful and healthy adults. If your child grows up with healthy boundaries that come from hearing no, it's more likely they will be able to create these boundaries for themselves as adults.”

• Pro Tip: If the word "no" is triggering for your child, you can try:

  • “First ____, then ____.” 

  • "We can't go to the park right now, but we will go tomorrow after school."

  • "You have 20 minutes to play on the iPad. I will remind you when there are five and then 1 minute left, but then we are eating dinner."

4) Allow Children to Learn from Discomfort
Think about whether your child is genuinely unsafe or just a little uncomfortable. If they are just a little uncomfortable, this is a great learning opportunity.

• Pro Tips:

  • Homework: If they forget to bring the homework to school, let them redo it during the day. If they had trouble with it at night, let them take it to the teacher for some extra help. 

  • Snack or Lunch: If they forget to take their snack, let them have the non-preferred emergency snack at school or an emergency lunch (if available) instead of bringing something special. 

5) Get Back to Basics (a few last tips to remember)
No matter what parenting style speaks to you, here are some strategies that help set your child up for success, now and in the future.

• Pro Tips:

  • Give clear directions.

  • Follow through.

  • Model and teach what you expect.

  • Consequences are a good thing.

    • Even better if the consequence directly aligns with the challenge (e.g. wouldn't stop when screen time was up, lose it tomorrow, try again with some reminders the next day).