From Lid Flipping to Emotional Intelligence

A guide for modern parenting

Emotions are the key to almost all human behavior. As a school and community of families that care deeply about the holistic development of the whole child, one of the most important parts of our job is helping our children develop emotional intelligence and learn to experience and process emotions in healthy ways. 

Learn more about “Lid Flipping”

For very young children who don't yet have all the words to express themselves, big emotions often come out as tantrums. Even as children (or adults) get older, they may still have outsized reactions to what appear to be small problems, something Dan Siegel calls flipping their lid. 

Here are some tips for powering through those lid-flipping moments and helping children build emotional intelligence. 

Before the Storm

1. Establish Routines
   Even a simple routine helps children know and anticipate what will happen next. Most children resist transitions less when they know what is coming. 

2. Name it to Tame it
   Helping children put their feelings into words can actually reduce the force of unpleasant emotions (try to help them build emotional granularity).

3. Narrate
   Narrate your emotions and thought process. "I am so frustrated I forgot my ______. Maybe next time I should put it in the car the night before."

During the Storm

1. Stay Calm
   Lend them your calm; don't join their chaos. The more genuinely calm you can remain, the more you can help your child co-regulate. 

2. Offer Choices
   Empower your child by providing two acceptable choices. 

3. Economy of Words
   This is not the time to reason. The less you say, the better. 

After the Storm

1. Detective Work
   Try to identify the real underlying need or emotion. Talk to your child about the tantrum, helping them express and understand their emotions (this could even be days later).

   • A great tool for more extreme blow-ups

   • The Dream Police (detective work levity)

2. Coping Strategies
   Equip your child with simple coping mechanisms like deep breathing or a mutually agreed upon plan for who or where to go to at these moments.

3. Psychoeducation 
   Teaching children about the actual science behind behavior can be empowering (e.g. teaching about flipping a lid).